I’m Jeremy Kyle

Faces changed to protect the imbeciles.

Faces changed to protect the imbeciles.

Well, it wasnt going to be long till this individual made it on to the list – and here he is. “How can that nice sweet tempered well meaning man annoy you so?” I hear you cry. Then I remind you that you must be thinking of Ronnie Corbett and we get on with the more important business of the day.

Jeremy Kyle. ITV – what were you thinking? “We need someone to replace Trisha coz shes buggered off to Channel 5 and left us up shit creek without a paddle at 9.25 in the morning. Who CAN we get to fill the gap between Lorraine Kelly and Fern Britton? It’ll have to be someone fairly narrow!”

And then, like a latter day Jesus, from the heavens, descended the new saviour of daytime trashyvision. HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEELUJAH!

It can hardly be coincidence, after all, their names both start with JE. And they were both born in a stable. Well, passed in a stable, anyway.

Jeremy Kyle – Jesus Krist. Its not entirely beyond the realms of possibility. He has descended amongst us, the poor, the broken, the beaten and the damned, and he walks amongst us, preaching the ten Kylemandments. Here they are.


  1. Thou art Scum.
  2. Thou shalt not lie with your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriends sister/brother/mother/aunt/uncle/grandfather/grandmother/dog – nor indeed hump them from behind. It’s the WORST THING YOU COULD EVER DO EVER. The ULTIMATE BETRAYAL!!!  DONT DO IT! NO. V BAD. NO! DONT! REALLY!
  3. Thou shalt not spend thy benefits on anything other than goodness and purity and contraception. (He recently admitted in a newspaper interview that he doesnt actually know how much benefit people on Jobseekers get, but lets be honest, basic single persons JSA doesnt get you both drugs AND fags – and if it did, it wouldnt stretch to food and electricity, Jez, old bean.)
  4. Thou shalt cleanse thy personal items with thy tongue, be it mobile phone or golf ball. (Ok, he hasnt actually said this to anyone on his show but its apparently one of the effects of the OCD that he claims to suffer. Call me old fashioned, but I hardly think your tongue is the cleanest of clean things to be cleaning your other things with Jezmond.) Preach what you practice. Or Something.
  5. Madam, thou art also scum, and also a madam! Madam.
  6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours Xbox – even though they paid for it with OUR TAXES Ladies and Gentlemen.
  7.  Thou shalt go not immediately to purgatory, if thou opts to renounce all your previous sins, and commence a meaningful relationship with the Holy Trinity –  Jesus Kyle, his disciples (otherwise known as “my researchers”) and Graham, the counsellor guy, whose name starts with G, just like God – uncanny, isnt it???
  8. Thou shalt receive salvation if thou givest up thine evil habits and follow the word of Jeremy (or at least be able to swing a part time job packing chicken giblets in a factory for crap pay and no perks).
  9. Take out the plank from thine own eye, before trying to extract the splinter of MDF from your brethren (that means dont stand there being a smartarse holier than thou twat when you have rather giant skellingtons in your own closet but clearly when you are the Son of Graham, these rules dont seem to apply the same way).
  10. Thou shalt part company via separate doors if I say so. And thou shalt hug on command. My word is law, and thanks be to me. I’m Jeremy Kyle.


Amen to that.

I’m actually stunned that the pope hasn’t started proceedings to turn this man into a saint already. It can only be a matter of time. 9.25, I imagine.


2 Responses to “I’m Jeremy Kyle”

  1. hastalavegan Says:

    Famous Jezza quote

    “Wanna know why I didn’t come to your dressing room before the show?…Because you DISGUST me!”

    If those aren’t the words of a God, I don’t know what is.

  2. worzelgummidge Says:

    Look Jezza knows. He just *knows*. Because his sister was a bullimic ballerina. Ok, ladies and gentlemen?

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