KIMMAY! (Raikkonen)

May have sold soul to Satan - no evidence in physical form

May have sold soul to Satan, and personality.

 

I’m your average couch potato F1 fan. Never been to an actual race, led to believe that its a dirty smelly noisy day out where you sit in one spot and watch cars go past one particular point on the race track between 50-78 times, depending on what country you happen to be doing it in.

I have been to race days at Oulton Park, went to see some F3000 once, and that was a dirty smelly noisy day out where you sat in one spot and watched not quite as fast as F1 cars go past a particular point on the race track I cant remember how many times, but a lot.

Sunburn and neckache was my reward.
However, I am PERFECTLY happy to spend Sunday afternoons during the F1 season plonked in front of the telly watching the coverage. I love it, and so does Mr Minxington – its something that we share. Another thing that we share is a mutual dislike for Kimi Raikkonen. There’s no denying he’s a reasonably good driver. He was world champion one year, so that must say something about his driving ability.

So why is he annoying? Well, I used to be a BIG Schumacher fan. So initially, it probably came from the rivalry of Mclaren and Ferrari. But there is far more to it than that. KIMMAY! (as he is known in our household – a nod to TIMMAY from South Park) – is a mumbler, and the least engaging and interesting driver (for me) on the current F1 driver line up. And most of the last few years driver line ups too.

I appreciate that English is not his first language, but it would appear that Mumbling is. I wasnt even aware that Mumbling existed as a language until Kimmay shambled onto the scene.  I find it incredibly difficult to stay concious when they interview him, either on the increasingly rare occasion that he makes it onto the podium, or when they are (which is far more entertaining by it’s very origins) interviewing him to find out why his car has failed to do it’s job yet again. Can someone please give him a crash course (bahaha) in enunciation and demonstrating emotion? Maybe he’s pre-programmed with responses and is operated by remote control. They used to call Nigel Mansell a boring driver/speaker, but given a choice of after-dinner speakers, he would look positively Stephen Fryesque compared to TKimmay.

He NEVER cracks a smile. I think perhaps he has a face made of polyfilla and it’s not physically possible for him to do so. Ok, he probably has good reason this season to look a bit sour, but even when he WAS winning, he still got on the podium with a face like a slapped arse that had been stung repeatedly by a full hive of bees. If I was an F1 driver I would be doing cartwheels onto the podium, and squealing like a big old girl with joy (not so hard being as thats what I am)  but he just stands there looking like the driver next to him (doesnt really matter who) just shat himself  in a noisy and nasally intrusive fashion and it’s seeping onto his shoes.

I’m fairly convinced he’s entered into a Faustian Pact with the Devil too, but didnt realise he could hold on to his soul until after he died and handed it over at the first meeting. The Devil clearly did better out of the deal, making off with his personality and all the decent parts of the Ferrari car that used to make them win. Does that mean that Ross Brawn is Satan? Hmmmmmm… Food for thought.  

On the plus side, whenever Mr Minxington says “Oh god, Kimmay’s on pole / got a good start”  I can usually with confidence say “Ah, dont worry, he wont be there by the end of the race” and be right. It’s unnerving how accurate I can be.  Please keep racing though Kimi, I need someone out there I can get riled by.

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2 Responses to “KIMMAY! (Raikkonen)”

  1. dominoid747 Says:

    he’s the human equivalent of beige but in a fast car. Although not that comparatively fast any more. Plus, he looks like he should be in a boybad. A really bad German one.

  2. ednawatkins Says:

    I’m still of the opinion that Kimmay used to be a bit of a porker and still has his Jaw wired preventing him speaking like a normal human being.
    To quote top gear magazine and a certain little boy (who calls him Kiimi Raikerman) Kimmi doesn’t Give a Monkeys.

    The highlight of my season so far has been has been Kimmi getting out of the car in the rain getting changed and having an icecream and a coke.
    For me its right up there with Mika having a cry in the woods back in the day.

    I’m off to silverstone for the weekend this year and really looking forward to being sat in the same place (Luffield)

    Got me a Union Jack and everything, come on the Button!

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