Ainsley Harriott

True.

True.

An old favourite from the original list this time around, simply because he’s never stopped being annoying for long enough to warrant a reprieve.

I’m sure some people find his hyperactive labrador approach appealing, and think he’s a Really Nice Guy ™. To be fair, this part is probably true, he probably IS a really nice guy and seems to really care about what he does.  He just does it in such an insanely irritating way it becomes impossible to take him seriously. 

He has, as I am sure you are aware, been presenting cooking shows for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Most famously, he’s been the host of Ready Steady Cook since Fern Britton left – for the uninitiated, Ready Steady Cook involves two professional celebrity chefs partnering two members of the licence fee paying public (or on occasion two other non-cookery related celebrities) in a cook-off against one another where the outcome is decided by a studio audience full of geriatrics who can’t actually taste the food, waving giant pictures of tomatoes or peppers.

Harriott acts as the presenter, zooming between the two teams, making bad jokes, informative “how to slice an onion efficiently” type comments and telling everyone how long they have left to undercook their food.

Unfortunately, he seems to treat the contestants as though he picked them up straight from nursery school with their faces still smeared with poster paint. This has been a trait throughout his televisual career as part gameshowhost part cook, having spent a long time referring to the giant sized salt and pepper grinders he wields so manfully as “Suzy Salt and Percy Pepper” for as long as I don’t care to remember. I recall from the website version of Hucknall stating quite clearly that I would like to shove Suzy Salt up his Percy Peehole, and that remains true to this day.

My most gruesome Harriott moment however, was some years back, when flicking through an old copy of Cosmopolitan. They were running some sort of feature, I suspect it may have been a charitable concept or other, can’t remember. Not important. So, there I am, flicking through this magazine, reading the odd article here and there, and I get to this feature and find Ainsley. Harriott. Grinning. And. Naked. Lying. On. His. Back. With. His. Modesty. Only. Saved. By. A. Huge. Bunch. Of. Grapes.

I’m sorry about that last collection of words. I cannot assemble it into a proper sentence. The memory is scarred into my brain and causes me to have to call the out-of-hours psychiatric crisis team if I consider it for more than about 5 seconds at a time. I do however hope that someone had the common sense to trample on the grapes and make Ainsley Whine.

Fortunately for you, the internet could not find me a copy of this image so that I can inflict this unpleasantness on you. You can breathe easily again now. I know you were holding your breath going “OH GOD PLEASE DONT SHOW ME THAT” and I won’t. I am not that cruel.

However, I have NOT interfered with the image of the day, simply because it’s a piece of unintentional genius. As I understand it, this was the real packaging for some real Ainsley Harriot sausages that went on sale in Ireland but were pulled quickly (LOL – THEY PULLED AINSLEYS SAUSAGE QUICKLY! Sorry – puerile, but again, themed post…) when someone realised the rather glaring and terribly obvious hilarity. It almost kind of makes up for the ARGH I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN! WANT TO BUY MIND BLEACH! HALP! MUMMY! MY SKIN IS CRAWLING SO FAST IT’S JUST UPPED AND LEFT AND IS MAKING A DASH FOR THE HILLS! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

Need to lie down now. Does anyone know where I can get some very strong valium?

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9 Responses to “Ainsley Harriott”

  1. clackdish Says:

    shame on you minxy, the man is a culinary genius ha ha ha ha

  2. clackdish Says:

    and after actually reading the post lmao i do think the lady protests to much !!!! i need to dwell further on this (not much else do do mid week in dubai ha ha ) so watch this space

    ps hi to manminx lol now theres an alt !!!!!!!!

  3. clackdish Says:

    but there again as any true sausage afficinado will tell you, never ever prick your sausage with anything, let it cook in its own juices fnar fnar

  4. clackdish Says:

    see photo above cause that could be misconstrude ? ( i should learn to spell ) as a random rant

  5. clackdish Says:


    ha ha ha ha ha ha bigger shame on you minxy check this out bet you never even knew he could rofl !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. clackdish Says:

    my next mission to find the grapes photo not to far away from it now !!!!!!!!!!!

  7. MrsMinxington Says:

    I swear, if you find that pic and post it, I will be on the next flight to Dubai to HUNT YOU DOWN. Seriously, you value your eyes, you do NOT want to see that, ever. EVER. You hear me, CLACKDISH!

  8. My Crackdish, thank you for bringing this wonderful and may I say ‘catchy’ snippet of musical history into the fray. One assumes that it was signed to Simon Cowell’s label? Tis just SO Simon.

    If gurning could be portrayed in dance form – Ainsley would be master. Though, I do still feel he has ‘missed his boat’ by not being signed up by Hammer House of Horror for the popular role of ‘Voodoo chanter’ as he is right royally scary! I am now going to ‘Get Out in the Streets’ and have a ‘World Party’ whilst wearing a harlequin’s waistcoat and gyrating like a wide eyed lunatic eel.

  9. clackdish Says:

    imagine him doing voiceover for vincent !!!!!!! ha ha ha ha

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