How Many Crows Can You Pick From Your Nose, In An English Country, Gordon?

Sac Re Blurgh!

Sac Re Blurgh!

So, you’re a knackersack. You spend all day just dangling, enjoying the more than occasional scratch, generating spermatazoa to continue the march of humankind into almost certain oblivion at some point, getting occasionally sweaty and  tensing up now and then when that cock that insists on hanging round with you recognises an opportunity to get a beating. Life is pretty sweet.

Then one day, someone comes along and asks you if you fancy training as a chef, with a view to opening multiple restaurants which will win you world wide acclaim, and lots of Michelin stars, which will lead to a career as a published author and tv cookery expert, marry a beautiful woman, have gorgeous kids that you can show how to slaughter farm animals, and be smug about never having changed their nappies.

Then you can allegedly have a bit on the side with a woman who once had a fling with Jeffrey Archer and get away with it, be rude to publicans with failing businesses, bully people into doing things your way,  and best of all, you can swear your head off and people will just think it’s cute, coz you are a decent down to earth family man. Bless.

You mull it over for a while, after all, it’s a tempting offer, but then you decide that fame is just not for you, you prefer to keep your head down and get on with the business of the day. You really can’t see that a scrotum would fare well in the public eye, it never worked for John Leslie after all, and to be honest, the whole “Jeffrey Archer’s Sloppy Seconds” thing is reason enough to say “HELLA-NO-WAY, THINK OF THE SHAME!” before running away screaming, and causing chafing to the inner thighs of your owner.

So you turn it down, and then one day, you are flopping about on the couch nestling comfortably in that hairy nest you call home, and you happen to see that “The F Word” is being shown on Channel 4.

“Bollocks, Fuck and Buggery”

Gordon Ramsay. Done.

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4 Responses to “How Many Crows Can You Pick From Your Nose, In An English Country, Gordon?”

  1. worzelgummidge Says:

    Saw him on Room 101 saying he gets £1,000 in parking fines a week. Do you think he’d pay more into a swear box at 20p a fuck?

  2. Gordon Ramsey – nothing but a shameless, spiel spurting slimy slug on steroids! He should be informed that delusions of grandeur can be carefully controlled by use of prescribed medication, as can tourettes…

    Someone, please lock up this now embarrassment to the country – a good kitchen with serving hatch and sound proofing would be ideal!

  3. MrsMinxington Says:

    Can I just apologise for the poor quality photo on this article? It has to be said, finding a suitable pair of male legs to suspend the Scrote from was beyond easy. I was trying to find them without turning Safe Search off, because any self-respecting eyes will know that turning Safe Search off only brings bad things – I nearly got to the point where I went to ask Mr Minxington to be a leg model, resources were so scarce. But then I thought “VARICOSE VEINS” and the results flooded in. Sadly however, none that matched the skin tones.

    So, its a bit rubbish, and I’m sorry. 😀

  4. worzelgummidge Says:

    I didn’t look carefully cos I’d just eaten when I read this, but at a glance it looks like pink trousers. Which suits this prick.

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