John McCririck. Thats An Anagram For Annoying Chauvinistic Tw*t.

Ugh *shudder* Grr. Ugh.

Ugh *shudder* Grr. Ugh. Sorry.

More often than not, when writing these articles, I try and find something, ANYTHING, to give me a bit of perspective and balance. Primarily this is to make sure I am actually writing a relatively fair account of why someone irritates me and why they warrant being placed on the list.

In this case – there’s nothing I can say that deflects from the utter gobshiteyness that is John McCririck. Back in Yesteryore, he was known only for his crazy hats and dress sense as the betting pundit on the Channel 4 racing. But eccentricity is a charming thing, if only the eccentric doesn’t behave like a total arse. Unfortunately, any public appearance of McCririck only seems to underline the fact that total arseyness is actually what he does best.

Cast your minds back to his appearance in Celebrity Big Brother in 2005. Unless you are having your breakfast while you read, in which case the imagery of John grumpily waddling around in his saggy white underwear will probably give you cause to revisit your honey nut loops on impact. Caution is urged.  

Poor Diddums staged a 3 day silent protest because he didn’t get his diet coke delivered from the shopping list. Had I been a Big Brother producer at that time, I would have probably made sure he NEVER got it because the silent version was at least not irritating the ears, and you could always watch with your eyes shut, and perhaps never even realised he was there. That sentence probably makes more sense if you actually saw him in his white saggy underwear.

And what’s all that ridiculous handwaving about? It’s called Tic Tac apparently – well if that’s Tic Tac then there’s a damn sight more than two calories gone into it. I don’t think he is really talking about the betting odds with his hands, I think some witty deaf person thought it would be fun to get him to THINK he was doing that when really he is repeatedly spelling out “I’m a Wanker” and “My Knobcheese is Potent, Stand Back Ladies, I’m About To Launch Some.”

On the Ainsley Grape-o-meter, McCririck in his underpants rates right alongside, as an equal. But I do find myself asking why I keep picking celebrities that make me feel nauseous to think about them. Am I subliminally trying to invoke bulimia in myself? Time for a little self-analysis due perhaps? Not right now. I’m a little busy.

Meanwhile, back at the plot…apart from the heinous sideburns, the twat-hat (although while we are mentioning the hat, I should point out that the fact that he wears them brings disrepute to hats worldwide, and hats in themselves are a marvellous thing, and should only be worn by people cool enough to deserve hatdom,) and the “Sherlock Holmes After Too Many Pies” exterior, he’s actually a dreadfully unpleasant chauvinist.

I have NO clue how his wife “Booby” (wtf? BOOBY? Get some self-respect!) has managed not to beat him to death with her own shoes already. Surely no court in the land could convict her of anything – it would deemed be an act of mental self-preservation, and actually a kindness to humanity as a whole. I’d let her off, and perhaps give her an OBE for services to women.

Even that nice Alan Titchmarsh threw him off his daytime chat show for his incredible rudeness to Chris Tarrant’s ex-wife, who was also a guest on the show. ALAN TITCHMARSH! Can you imagine him getting so cross that he actually throws someone off his programme? THAT NICE ALAN TITCHMARSH! OMG! SERUZLY! I KNOW!

If the fictional Room 101 did actually exist, and we could all put just one thing in it – McCririck would be the THING I chose. I would grab him by his stupid facefur, swing him repeatedly round my head, and boot him right on in there. Then I would lock the door, padlock it and nail it shut, tie a brick to the key, then eat the key and the brick and crap it out into the ocean.  From a boat, in the middle. Off the side.


3 Responses to “John McCririck. Thats An Anagram For Annoying Chauvinistic Tw*t.”

  1. worzelgummidge Says:

    This McTwat is really fucking irritating.

    Interesting thought about bullimia. I think you should place ads for this blog on pro-ana sites, using the McCririck picture, because they would all surely bookmark it for use in their purging sessions and bring you some healthy traffic.

  2. MrsMinxington Says:

    Ooh, new marketing trick previously unconsidered. You may have something there. Now, if we can just find that picture of Ainsley…

  3. clackdish Says:

    i have it haha watch this space !!!!!!!! now this oik if ever there was a case for smacking someone repeatedly in the face with a cricket bat,her it is
    his very existance proves god has a sense of humour and a very good one to it seems, i cant think of anythink painfull enough i would like to inflict on this excuse for a human, and i have tried, peeled skin and salt, chilli oil (the hot stuff) on his bellend and thats the tame stuff. he should be buried alive with his arse stuck in the air so those guys that race motorbikes on ice have somewhere to park them …………..

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