Lorraine “Gawjus” Kelly

She's a gawjus greet sheep. Two of those words are spelt incorrectly and one's a lie.

She's a gawjus greet sheep. Two of those words are spelt incorrectly and one's a lie.

Oh where do you start?

Is there anyone that you can think of that you would not prefer to have gurning at you at 9am in the morning?  OK, maybe John McCririck in his underpants. And most of the people on the list so far. Ainsley, definitely.

If there’s one person guaranteed to put you off your Honey Nut Loops – it’s Lorraine. If she fawned any harder she would be mistaken for Bambi and shot by Prince Phillip one day when scampering past Buck Palace. She would be “GREEEEET” on kids TV, but as an adult presenter, even in the floaty-lighter-than-light entertainment section of GMTO (Good Morning, Turn Over), shes more irritating than a chronic vaginal yeast imbalance. (That’s thrush, GMTV viewers).

I can’t imagine she’s likely to be in line for any National Journalist of The Year Awards, unless we have a particularly slow news year and the most cutting edge thing that happens is the price of lip-gloss exceeding the current rate of inflation, or batwing jumpers making a come-back.

Everything is “Gawjus”, even if its a potato sack. It makes a change from a few years back, when everything was “GREEEET!” I remember her interviewing Paula Radcliffe (way before the turd on the kerb incident) and telling her REPEATEDLY that she was in “Greet Sheep”. GREET SHEEP? WHATNOW?

Took me about 10 minutes to work out that she actually meant “great shape”. Well of course she’s in great shape you patronising mare, shes a marathon runner, you can’t run 26 miles and 385 yards if you weigh 30 stone and live on chocolate éclairs and doughnuts. Well, you can, but it’s more commonly known as waddling and would take about a month to complete.

Can anyone confirm or deny the rumour I just made up that she has invisible string attached to the edges of her mouth that is tightened each morning and tied behind the back of her head to keep that gigantic cheesy grin in place? I’m sure that’s what gives her the extra definition on her cheekbones too. And her perfect skin is no doubt the result of all that endless anal burrowing she indulges in when she gets an actual real life celebrity on to her overstuffed face couch.

 And just to add insult to injury, she immediately precedes Jeremy Kyle. If that’s not a good reason to put the radio on first thing in the morning, I don’t know what is. Bring Back the Big Breakfast, all is forgiven.


4 Responses to “Lorraine “Gawjus” Kelly”

  1. worzelgummidge Says:

    I’m Lorraine Kelly, and that’s greeeeeeeeeeet!

  2. Is it me, or does Ms Minx have a habit of improving her preys photographic portraits? One thinks she should be the new host of \’make me look ten years younger – at the cost of my mental health.\’ Tis true! Lorraine looks so much \’preddier\’ & younger in this pic – well done!

    Right, now to rummage through my aged wardrobe for a \’batwing\’ jumper – yip! – Gawjus.

  3. Is ‘I would’ the wrong thing to say here?

  4. clackdish Says:

    can ya see ma growler !!!!!!!! lmao i think the one off bo selecta is the real one and they where swapped at birth

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