Peter Andre-x

Warning:- May cause nausea and vomiting.

Warning:- May cause nausea and vomiting and insanier.

*shudder*

Greetings to you, avidly despondant readers. Todays nominee for the list of disgust is, as you can see from the above picture, Peter Andre. He was on the original list, back in yesteryore, and he still rightfully deserves a place today. He has this unnerving effect on me, one that I only experience normally when thinking of voles or malt loaf, and that effect is most accurately described as “a triggering of the gag reflex”. 

There is a reason I experience it with voles or malt loaf, and that is because as a teenager, after a family holiday to Hay-On-Wye (of bookshop and book festival fame), we were returning home when we stopped for something to eat at a roadside catering caravan. I had neither voles OR malt loaf from the van, but a harmless enough looking ham sandwich, whilst the rest of ma famille had fromage.  

Long story short, by the time I got home I had the worst dose of food poisoning I’ve ever experienced, it lasted a week and involved hallucinations and the usual unpleasantries that accompany it. During the week of that holiday (it was a camping trip) I had eaten a lot of malt loaf, and also we had found a nest of baby voles in a hay stack. For some reason, an association was made in my head with feeling incredibly sick, voles, and malt loaf, but not with ham sandwiches. Even now, I still cant write those words or think about those things without beginning to feel really quite sick, so if you don’t mind I shall move swiftly on.

Anyway, I have no such weird and tenuous links with Peter Andre that could create such a psychological phenomenon, but the fact remains he too causes me to feel quite nauseous and generally fairly unwell. When he first arrived in the public eye in the UK, he had already achieved some level of celebrity in his home country of Australia (although he was actually born in the UK, which I didn’t know) via an appearance on “New Faces”. He first came to my attention with that heinous “Mysterious Girl” song, which was a huge summer hit and I ABSOLUTELY LOATHED. And don’t even get me started on that supposedly sexy video of his far-too-chiselled-self splashing about and grinding his pelvis in waterfalls. It makes my skin crawl. Actually OFF my body and under the nearest table to hide.

Then he had a couple more hits, which were a couple too many for my liking – and then it all went tits up, he disappeared and I could breathe a sigh of relief.  Or so I thought. More fool me. Poor More Delusional Fool Me.

Thanks to his reappearance on “I’m A Washed Up Half-Wit, Get Me Out Of Here And Back Into The Public Eye Where My Ego Tells Me I Rightfully Belong” – and his subsequent romance and marriage and offspring spawnage with Miss “Katie-Jordan-Tits-Oot-For-The-Lads-Oi-Oi-Saveloy-Polo Darling?” Price, he’s barely been out of the papers, or off the telly box since. 

Now, obviously I dont go out of my way to watch or read about him, because the doctors would call that bulimia and make me go and see a nice psychiatric doctor who would force feed me and show me pictures of him to get me over my phobia. I do try, where possible, NOT to inflict him on myself. But as he and his cash-hungry soon to be ex-wife insist on inflicting themselves on us at every possible opportunity it is a bit difficult to avoid him.

I can say, honestly, and without a shred of a crossed finger, that I have never watched an episode of “Katie and Peter – The Disastrophe” – fortunately it’s on ITV2 I think so is easily avoided, as are most programmes in my house that aren’t shown on the Playhouse Disney channel, but from what I have gleaned from other media, the premise was basically that it was worst-case scenario reality tv at it’s finest. If you happen to think finest means the same as “desiring to rip out your eyes and ears with a crochet hook to save ever having to suffer it again”.

The same can most definitely be said of their Disney duet of “A Whole New World” – the song from Aladdin (Michael Jacksons most borrowed video from the local Blockbuster… probably – unless of course his assistant misunderstood when he said “Let’s get Aladdin tonight”.) which was THE most singularly horrifying piece of I cant even begin to dignify it by using the word music that I have ever had the misfortune to inflict upon myself and yes, I did listen to it voluntarily out of sheer morbid curiosity.

From what I have gathered though, the nightmare coupling of Peter and Katie has been far from a harmonious romance. But, you know, I dont really care about that. Since their recent separation there has been an awful lot of negative stuff said about her and positive stuff said about what a great dad he is, and credit where it is due, even though in this day and age its incredibly common to have splintered family trees with children with different fathers and stepfathers, he clearly DOES love Harvey as though he was his own son and has taken the responsibility of fathering him very seriously, (unlike a certain footballer, apparently/allegedly/maybe, all those words that can save me from getting in troubly).

HOOOOOOOWEVER.

The fact that both he and Katie have used their relationship, their children, their lives, in all the tawdry gritty detail to provide an income for themselves, and a VERY substantial one at that, kind of negates any good father points he gets, in my mind. In most countries selling your kids is against the law. Not so in the south of England it would appear. Not that in the countries where its against the law it doesnt still happen – I’m looking at YOU China, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Those kids have NO choice as to whether their faces are splashed all over the front of Allo Allo magazine, (“Eet is the picture of the fallen Jordan with zee big boobiez” would never have worked as well…) and no choice in whether the intimate details of their family life are exposed for the world to dissect. And lest we not forget, one of them had no choice in being called Princess Tiaaaaaaaami either. FFS.

But the most CRIMINAL thing of all, really, for me personally, was the year my brother bought me a bottle of “Insania by Peter Andre” scent. I would call it perfume but that would fail to describe the aroma with any sort of accuracy. For the uninitiated, and I pray for your sake that you are – a more accurate way of describing the smell that permeated my entire house within a microsecond of opening the box the bottle came in (WITHOUT actually spraying the damn thing) was the perfect blend of dead baby voles, rotting malt loaf and the scrapings from Peter Andres groin, left to rot together for about 15 years and then unleashed to destroy every single one of your senses on impact.

We had to actually put it outside the house, by the bins, to stop it from killing us.

If North Korea are looking for something to REALLY do some damage, they should sack the nuclear programme off and instead fill missiles with this crap, it could wipe out the planet in a matter of seconds.

Off to puke now, have a nice day!

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9 Responses to “Peter Andre-x”

  1. Gosh! That was a long, yet perfectly formed post, much the same as Peters Dooh Dah, so fellow girl of the Wick Chantelle told me, when I saws her in Superdrug.

    Anyways, personally I cannot hate Saint Peter of Andre as he is soooooo NICE! And luvverly and other cutey wutey, luvvy duvvy words….

    Stop pickin on da Pete Minxington! Or I will be afters you!

    BTW #moonfruit

  2. MrsMinxington Says:

    Oh for goodness sake, dont you FOLLOW him on Twitter? Theres absolutely nothing going on between him and Jordelle Houghton, they are just becoming “good friends” and have the same management… Although personally, if I was PA, I would be a little worried about becoming “good friends” with someone whos gone on record before as saying he was her ideal man.

    Mind you, I would be a little worried about becoming “good friends” with Jordans sloppy seconds…

    And since when did nice = not annoying? Nice people can be as annoying as horrible people – just depends on their level of nice and the sincerity of the aforementioned niceness.

    And bollocks to #moonfruit, go stuff your face with nice biscuits.

  3. You scare me Ms Minx… Is it that tough time of the month for you? Perhaps a nice camomile tea and a bejeweled frenzy could soothe that EVIL temper of yours.

    And no I DONT follow him on twitter as I am not one of them licky celeb worshippers… like others (you.)

  4. MrsMinxington Says:

    its the bejewelled that got me into this mess in the first place. Frustrating bloody game.

    😀

    PS, dont do “THAT” time of the month. Its for people who have #mooncups.

  5. clackdish Says:

    see this is the evil that is petey, even here he has got away with it he is being avoided whilst people hargu with each udder!!!!!!!!!!! damn that slime ball

  6. clackdish Says:

    i blame ant and dec they should have burnt his application form on sight and left him to rot in obscurity

  7. MrsMinxington Says:

    You are absolutely right, Ant and Dec are pretty much responsible for everything that is wrong with the world. Its a shame.

  8. dominoid747 Says:

    Oh you HAD to remind me of his version of whole new world didn’t you? That’s possibly the worst television ever. Damn charity cover singles.
    btw – I didn’t feel sick looking at him before but that picture with all the nipples made me throw up in my mouth a little.

  9. MrsMinxington Says:

    You can’t say it didnt come with a health warning!

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