Two For The Price Of One – The Cheeky Girls

"I'm sure there was two apples!" "Hang on a sec..."

"I'm sure there was two apples!" "Hang on a sec..."

 I’m a large Abba fan. I may have mentioned this before, but if I haven’t suffice to say that they have always formed a large part to the background theme music of my life. A fair proportion of their songs were and still are classic songs. Very few people will flick on to VH1, when they are having a “Let’s Play All The Abba Songs Special Day” and not instantly recognise the song that they hear, and more often and not know most if not all of the words. “Take A Chance On Me”, “Chiquitita”, “Winner Takes It All” , “Waterloo”, familiar to all of us above a certain age and once again in the minds and play lists of the young thanks to the success of “Mamma Mia”. 

There are, I suspect, very few of us, who in a nightclub full of grannies gagging to be, well, lets not go there, but you can imagine, you know the sort, usually frequent  sixties and seventies nights where there’s always guaranteed to be a group of extremely drunk men out on a stag night who have a secret bet on as to who can pull the ugliest/oldest slapper there.  

Anyway, there are very few of us, faced with that situation, would not hear the opening bars of “Dancing Queen” and be ON that dancefloor, instantly transported back to when we were 17 and thought we could actually dance, even though our handbags kept interfering with our elaborate steps, shouting our way through the chorus and believing ourselves to be Dancing Queens.

“What the HELL are you going on about now, you silly tart?” I hear you cry.  Either that or it’s the sound of wistfully nodding heads hitting ample busoms repeatedly in quick succession.

Well, anyway, there was ONE particularly dreadful Abba song. Dreadful for several reasons – one, because Bjorn sang it, and he was my least favourite, because he looked like one of those lucky troll dolls you could get from tourist shops, they had different costumes (I always wanted the ones in wedding costumes), which was fine and lovely if you were a doll, but not so appealing on a pop icon.  Secondly, because it is lyrically outrageous.

However, for the purposes of this article, I shall attempt to recreate, in textual form, my own version of the song – and hopefully the Cheeky Girls will come along, read it, and do a cover version. Fuck “Touch My Bum” – this is a pop classic in it’s own right.

Two For The Price Of One – The Cheeky Girls Version

He had what you might call a trivial occupation
He used to be the Lib Dem Spokesman for Education
He had Sian Lloyd in his life

He didn’t want her for a wife.

He read the matrimonial advertising pages
The cries for help from different people, different ages
But they had nothing to say
At least not until the day
When something cheeky he read

This is what it said:

If you dream of the girl for you
Then call us and get two for the price of one
We’re the answer if you feel blue
So call us and get two for the price of one
If you dream of the girl for you
(If you are dreaming of someone who might just touch your bum)
Then call us and get two for the price of one
(Why don’t you call us and we’ll touch it till it goes all numb)
We’re the answer if you feel blue
(We may be the answers to your problem, a chance with we two)
So call us and get two for the price of one
(Why don’t you call us and you’ll get two for the price of one)

He called the number and a voice said, “Gabriella”
The voice was husky and it sounded like a fella
He was amazed at his luck
That he might maybe get a fuck.
He said, I read your ad, it sounded rather thrilling
I think a meeting could be mutually fulfilling
Why don’t we meet for a chat
And you could show me your twat

I can’t forget what I read

I’ve got a twisty head

If you dream of the girl for you
Then call us and get two for the price of one
We’re the answer if you feel blue
So call us and get two for the price of one
If you dream of the girl for you
(If you are dreaming of someone who might just touch your bum)
Then call us and get two for the price of one
(Why don’t you call us and we’ll touch it till it goes all numb)
We’re the answer if you feel blue
(We may be the answers to your problem, a chance with we two)
So call us and get two
(Why don’t you call us and you’ll get two)
For the price of one…

She said, I’m sure we must be perfect for each other
And if you doubt it you’ll be certain when you meet my mother (She writes all our songs, you know)

 

All rights reserved for the Cheeky Girls. The right to make your ears bleed, the right to make cheesy eurotrash popshite that would embarrass even Samantha Fox, the right to pose in what we believe to be provocative but the wider world believe to be QUITE FUCKING WRONG photographs, and hopefully at some point, the right to remain FUCKING SILENT.

Bugger off, Cheeky Girls. JUST BUGGER OFF!

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Two For The Price Of One – The Cheeky Girls”

  1. dominoid747 Says:

    I have to disagree. There were many many dreadful Abba songs. But the cheeky girls are far worse. I still would though.

  2. MrsMinxington Says:

    Screw you, Hippy

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