Archive for Flame Grilled

Anthea Turner & Grant Bovine

Posted in I'm More Annoying! with tags , , , , , , on July 12, 2009 by MrsMinxington
Not Sponsored By Cillit Bang.

Not Sponsored By Cillit Bang.

 

In about 27 minutes, from time of commencement of writing, it will be EssexGourmet’s birthday.  As a special birthday treat, I proposed that she nominate today’s annoyance, and she thought hard for about twenteen seconds and then twittered “ANTHEA TURNER AND GRANY BOVEY!”

I hope that the Y should have been a T or I might be writing about the wrong generation of Bovey’s here – let’s hope not, because if she was actually married to Granny Bovey that might make this retch-inducing pairing at least rate as “slightly interesting”.

So, Granthea. What a truly adorably nauseating couple they make. She, the “perfect housewife”, and he the multi-squillionaire property tycoon.

Let us just for a moment take a loving and adorable look at Wikipedia’s entry for Anthea.

Under career, it states  “Turner joined BBC Radio Stoke as a comedic writer inspired by father Daniel who once told her the meaning of life was grapes.

Turner shot to fame at the age of 21 after her father burst onto the set of her radio show claiming that turner was one of the forefathers of the Brothers Grimm and progressive modern Jazz. Luckilly for Turner, Thomas’ interruption on the cold July morning attracted huge attention of Scania Childrens Books. From this point on Turner decided that she would concentrate her efforts on being a red engine. Frequent oil changes at this crucial stage helped turner into a lake.”

Now, I can’t help but think that someone MAY have altered that somewhat from it’s original commentary.  However, what we DO know is that she used to present Blue Peter, for which you need to have a squeaky clean character sheet (I’m looking at you Janet Ellis for your OUTRAGEOUS “getting pregnant without a husband” stunt, and you, Richard Bacon, for your “KIDS TV PRESENTER TAKES DRUGS” downfall.

It’s just a good job no-one ever found out about Simon Groom’s secret love affair with Goldie and the fact that he was the biological father of her puppies, including Bonnie, her successor as Blue Peter dog*, or the fact that John Noakes had to smear Vicks Vapour Rub under his eyes to invoke the copious tears he shed when informing the nation of the passing of Shep.**)

Her relationships with Bruno Brookes and former husband Peter Powell registered little on the scale of tabloid hysteria.  Unlike when she accidentally ended up a little bit on fire while making an outside broadcast involving pyrotechnics and a stunt driver – if you haven’t seen this, it’s totally worth a look.

They couldn’t have given her a better opening line to say – “If you want something to happen to you…”

Luckily for us all***, the damage was only minimal and despite temporary hearing loss and some burns, she lived to fright another day and take a payout from Auntie Beeb, or more accurately OUR BLOODY LICENCE FEES.

But then, some time later, she embarked on a liason with Grant Bovey, who left his then-wife Stellar, changed his mind and went back, and then changed it again and went back to Anthea. They married and were largely ridiculed for posing with Cadbury Snowflakes during their wedding photoshoot for OK Magazine.

Had I been writing this at that time, I would have ridiculed them too. Cadbury Snowflakes were utter wank-on-a-stick, and they should have posed with Galaxy Ripples for at least a little credibility.

Having spent some time on the GMTV couch with Eammon Holmes (and don’t sit there looking smug, arse-face,  your turn is coming…) who called her “Princess Tippy-Toes” and loved her so much that he demanded that she be sacked or he would quit (tough choice there, Martin Frizzell), she got the sack and then moved on to bigger and brighter things like, presenting the lottery sometimes, and… telling us all how to fold our tea towels.

Sadly, recently Granthea’s empire was attacked by something called the credit crunch, (I don’t think that’s something from the Cadbury’s range… maybe Nestlé?) and he had to give his entire business back to the bank. Boo-bally-hoo. My heart bleeds purple piss on their behalf. So they went on Hell’s Kitchen to make some pocket money. And didn’t win. HA HA HA HA. YOU SUCK. You would have thought with Anthea’s flame grilling skills they would have been a shoo-in but sadly not.

Apparently Anthea has also had to take on a few sponsorship deals from cleaning products to help make ends meet. Surely no-one in their right mind would either buy a product advertised by Mrs Bovary or indeed believe that she need do anything other than waft her way through the house to turn it into a sparklingly hygenic establishment? Is it only a matter of time before she turns up on QVC hawking  microfibre mopheads???? What a sorry moment for the world that would be.

More annoying than Mick Hucknall?

More annoying in fact, than if you were to run the London Marathon backwards with  Mick Hucknall residing between your thighs singing “Money’s Too Tight To Mention”and causing severe chafing and friction burns with his wiry hair and gravelly tone. THAT’S how annoying they are.  

Disclaimers…

* – may not be true

** – may not be true

***  – may not have really meant luckily. Insert your own choice of alternative from the following, unfortunately, disappointingly, distressingly.

 

Happy Birthday ESSEXFACE!!!!

(VISIT HER SITE! LINK OVER THERE! If you happen to be on the front page, if not, it’s www.essexgourmet.co.uk)

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