Don’t Panic!

If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!

On the 6th May 2001, the author Douglas Adams died. He was best known for writing “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” which is, in this bloggers humble opinion, one of the best trilogies in four parts ever written. If you are not familiar with this work, it started life as a radio series, was adapted into book form, tv form and more recently film form.

“Hitchhikers” enthusiasts often argue over which was the better media and no-one is ever right. They all had their merits, but the main merit was the fact that Douglas Adams was the hoopy frood behind it all.

He really knew where his towel was.

As a work of comedy science fiction, it is yet to be bettered. But even Adams imagination could not have possibly conjured up the concept that just a mere 9 years and 360 days after his death that one of his main characters in the series would come to life and end up in charge of his country of birth.

Daphod Clegglebrox, the two headed megalomaniac that is currently residing in Downing Street, where he has a personal masseur for his ego and another one for the cock attached to him. Everyone loves a happy ending. Shame that we aren’t very likely to get one.

Now, those that know me well will know that I am about as far from being a Tory as you can possibly get. But then, a mere 8 months ago, you might have thought you could say that about the Liberal Democrats.

It was coming up to the election, the televised debates were provoking massive response up and down the country, and Gordon (The Gone-fer) Brown was looking decidedly sweaty and uncomfortable about his long term future. “Nick Clegg – The People’s Good Egg” was making a huge impression, and showing up the other two quite spectacularly.

Poor Old Gordon. He wasnt a bad Chancellor, all things considered,  but as a PM he lacked charm and personality, which in this media controlled age seems to be an important quality to have. After devastatingly attractive  good looks of course. We are but a fickle nation.

That’s how Anne Widdecombe got elected and I defy anyone to tell me otherwise. J/K – she’s a proper godber.

I think perhaps had Cheryl Cole been up for election it would have been a very different story and outcome for the country. We would have felt a lot more like we were worth it, pet. And a law would be passed that allowed you to chin a cloakroom attendant whenever you wanted. Missed opportunity there.

Obviously this rule of thumb was disregarded where it came to David Cameron because he didnt get enough votes to be an outright winner. Mostly because he is a Tory and people can still remember the last time they held power for far too long.

But those who had decided they didnt want Brown and didnt think the Lib Dems could cut the mustard, added to those twelve people who own the top 96.7% of the countries wealth between them, DID vote for DC and so he had a bit of a headstart when it came to negotiating for making a coalition.

So, Gibbering Gordon was dropped faster than Katie Waissel’s Grandma’s incontipants, packed up his red and white spotted hankerchief on a stick, and the newly formed “Con-dems”  gave each other a “high-five, on the side, up above, down below, very sorry you’re too slow!”, and moved in together like the Morecambe and Wise of the New Millennia.

Whereas the rest of the country rubbed their eyes in disbelief, rubbed them again just to check, pinched themselves to make sure they werent actually dreaming this hellish scenario, and then began to make plans involving a long queue, Beachy Head, and springy shoes.

And now we begin to see the fruits of our voting powers. Decimation of the public services our country was once so proud of.

Financial squeezing of the poor, and the not very well off, while those at the top with the big coin merely shrug at the loss of their child benefit.

Students being the first but surely not the last to  riot at being forced into so much debt that they will need to become Prime Minister in order to clear it once they graduate.

And of course the insult to injury of Smarmid Macaroon proudly proclaiming himself to be happy to be seen as a “Child of Thatcher” – The aforementioned Thatcher being former Tory PM “Iron Lady” Margaret Thatcher-Milk-Snatcher, who will go to her grave in the sure and certain knowledge that the nation will embark on a week-long period of delighted square dancing at the announcement of her demise.

And perhaps some spontaneous Zumba.

Those of us who do not view her with honey-glazed eyes will have no doubt considered this announcement by Daphod as something akin to political suicide on his part.

So can we safely assume that there is some form of Vogon origins within this doubleheaded manbeast? After all, Vogons don’t think, they don’t imagine, most of them can’t even spell, they just run things. And if we don’t hitch a ride soon, you won’t need the guide to tell you just how unpleasant they can be. They already destroyed a planet today, and that always makes them a little… eeee!

As things get progressively worse, we should perhaps look to the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy for inspiration on how to cope in these troubled times.

It says “What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn’t been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won’t be troubling you much longer.”

In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I’m taking this ship with me. Whoo!

Don’t Panic.